


What's In Your Heart

by magnusbicon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist!Magnus, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Boarding School, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Give Maryse some time, Introspection, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Outing without Permission, Roommates, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Writer!Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-07 05:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14663979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbicon/pseuds/magnusbicon
Summary: Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane were both stuck in a world full of concrete paths and unwavering expectations. With the help of Mr. Fell and each other, they were trying their best to add just a little bit of color between the cracks in the pavement. Under their parents’ watchful gazes and the strict rules of their school, they were desperate to find a way to live out what they were passionate about without stepping on any toes. They were beginning to wonder, however, if their own attempts at peace were ever going to get them anywhere except forced into the lives they so clearly did not want to lead.Also known as a Dead Poets Society inspired AU minus the tragedy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WendigoBaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WendigoBaby/gifts).



> Hey there! So this all started after [Pat](https://catarinalec.tumblr.com/) sent me a prompt to write a Dead Poets Society AU. I owe this idea to her and I'm so glad that she gave it to me because it has been really fun to write so far, and I really look forward to continuing it! 
> 
> I have no idea how many chapters this is going to end up being, and I do not have an update schedule in place, but I will try my best to continue updating as frequently as possible. I have the second chapter written and I'm pretty far into the 3rd, so they should be up sooner rather than later. The 1st chapter is pretty short, but I promise the next few will be longer. 
> 
> Before I leave you to the reading, I also want to thank [Jess](https://wonderdaysoflunacy.tumblr.com/) for setting this whole Spring Fling event up, [Suze](https://demonic-activity.tumblr.com/) for being a very patient beta, [Emily](https://ladymissandei.tumblr.com/) for making the lovely banner (which you can see on [tumblr](https://magnusbicon.tumblr.com/post/173925694220/whats-in-your-heart-summary-alec-lightwood-and)), and [Serinity](https://beyondthehunt.tumblr.com/) for making this lovely fan art of Alec for me!

__

_“Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.”_

The words were under Alec’s skin, spreading and molding his insides into anticipation as he lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. That morning Mr. Fell had gone into a particularly inspiring spiel about getting the most out of life, and as it had been going on, Alec could practically feel a pair of eyes burning into the side of his face from where he was sitting. He had barely been able to breathe for the rest of the lesson, his heart hammering with the sudden onslaught of desire that had coursed through him without warning. He had been holding back for weeks, avoiding the inevitable, but those damn words just kept pestering him.

_“Each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.”_

They were harsh, brutal, and they struck a fear inside of Alec that he had never really experienced before. He had long ago come to terms with the fact that he was going to die one day, but he had never really taken into consideration along the way that a life lived for someone else’s wishes was not a life that was worthwhile. His parents had been dictating his every move since he was old enough to take a step, and he had grown used to the guidance, to the strict rules and the clear path. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it, or that he wasn’t bright. He was lucky enough to be able to say that he was more intelligent than most, and that also was in part due to the fact that he worked hard to stay that way. He could do whatever he set his mind to, and he knew it, but that wasn’t the issue. His mind could handle anything, but his heart, his soul, could not.

He had been trying to get those parts of himself on board, to force them into submission and ignore their screams and pleas for release, but it was no use. He had kept a lid on them for most of his life, only giving into them on a few very short and unimpressive instances, but the second he walked into that room and laid eyes on his new roommate, he knew all bets were off.

His parents wanted him to go to med school, to become a doctor and be successful. His definition of success seemed to be a lot different than theirs, though. Magnus Bane, the son of a very wealthy family, had looked up at him with bright brown eyes as Alec entered their dorm room for the first time, and the reaction was immediate. Alec’s fingers had twitched with the urge to write an entire novel about the shifting of Magnus’ body, the way his lips slowly curled into a smirk as his eyes flit up and down Alec’s form, the sway of his shoulders as he stood up to shake his hand. He was beautiful, otherworldly in his actions, and Alec was lost.

He had tried to be cold and distant at first, to push Magnus away and ignore his attempts to get acquainted, but the boy was unnervingly patient, and before he knew it he was falling into his irresistible charm. Soon they were staying up late into the night, sitting side by side so that their arms were brushing as they traded study tactics and helped each other in their weak subjects, and somewhere along the way Magnus had sunk a hook so far into Alec’s heart that he was sure he’d never be able to pull it out without causing serious damage to himself. He had never felt such a strong and immediate connection with someone in his life, and as much as he knew it would likely come back and bite him, he leaned into his feelings instead of pushing them back. He would gladly follow Magnus anywhere, not only to avoid the pain that his absence would surely cause, but also because everything about him was alluring.

They were alike in many ways. Magnus’ father wanted him to take over his company one day, to uphold the family name, but whenever Alec got a glance inside of his roommate’s notebooks he was greeted with pages and pages of drawings where there should have been schoolwork. He understood perfectly, the pull of wanting to do what one was good at. He constantly had ideas flying around his head, demanding attention when he tried to focus on his studies. Something as simple as someone dropping a pencil could spark inspiration inside of him, and the next thing he knew he would be writing paragraph after paragraph, throwing the words out of him like someone might splash paint across a canvas. It was a rush, a high that he could never seem to give up, no matter how often he was reminded by his parents that it was not the path he was destined for.

“Alexander.” An urgent voice reached Alec’s ears and he sat up quickly, coming face to face with Magnus, who was squatting down beside his bed. Alec’s breath hitched at their close proximity, and he leaned back slightly, pressing a finger to the middle of his glasses to slide them back into position from where they had fallen down his nose. Magnus smirked at him, his eyebrows raised in amusement, and Alec suddenly felt very self-conscious. His collar was sticking up under his sweater- which was probably rumpled- and his hair was a complete mess. It’s not like Magnus hadn’t seen him like that before, but his current gaze was so attentive that Alec’s throat felt tight. “Welcome back to Earth.”

Alec stared at him for a moment, his brain desperately trying to catch up to present time. When did Magnus even come in? How long had he been there, trying to catch his attention?

“Sorry,” Alec mumbled, lifting his arm to check his watch. It was already 9 pm. He had missed dinner. “I was just daydreaming, I guess.”

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Magnus proposed, eyes bright with mischief, and Alec didn’t even have to think.

“Yeah,” he agreed immediately, nodding his head. “Where to?”

Magnus rocked back on his heels and stood up in one fluid motion, drawing Alec’s eyes to his every move, then held out his hand. Alec stared at it for a moment, his skin already tingling in anticipation, and then he took it. Without another word, Magnus pulled him out the door, turning back and holding a finger to his lips for just a moment, and then they were off. Alec went without protest, a smile growing wider on his lips with every step.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec go on an adventure and do a lot of talking, among other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait a week before I posted this, but I figured the fandom could use it now. :•)

“ _I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived_ ,” Magnus quoted passionately. A book was open next to his plate, but he seemed to have already memorized the passage, because he didn’t look at it once as he spoke. “Doesn’t that just give you chills?”

Alec had become very good at ignoring his surroundings in favor of watching Magnus, and this evening was no different. They were sitting in a diner, their food half eaten, and Alec listened with attentive ears as Magnus read off some of his favorite quotes from what they’d been introduced to in Mr. Fell’s class. Magnus had a good relationship with Mr. Fell, and Alec thought he was almost like a father figure to him. Sometimes his roommate would stay behind and discuss the content, and Alec would stand outside of the door for just a few seconds after class was dismissed to hear how excited he got, how quickly their conversations would catch fire. They challenged one another in such a unique way.

It made Alec want to write for hours, to try to put the dynamic they shared into words that would do them both justice, though he knew it would be impossible. Language was an infuriating medium, and despite the fact that Alec lived for stringing sentences together, he was under no illusions. Words could not even begin to come close to summing up all of the emotions that he felt on a daily basis, and he never expected more from them than they could provide.

“It is certainly thought provoking,” Alec answered, something hopeful resonating in his chest when he looked up from his plate to see Magnus smiling softly at him.

“I hope I’m not boring you.” His voice was sheepish, and he tilted his head slightly as he waited for Alec’s reaction.

 _You could never bore me_.

The words almost slipped out of Alec’s mouth, but he caught them at the last second, shoving them deep down into the box of phrases in his brain that he had deemed unfit for functional human interaction. Instead, he shook his head vehemently.

“No, not at all. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, actually. Living for myself.” His heart was racing so fast he had no idea how he was still conscious, but he didn’t break eye contact, determined to follow through.

Maybe it was the late hour, or Mr. Fell’s words that were still flowing through his blood stream like adrenaline, or maybe Magnus’ presence just simultaneously made him bold and a blushing mess, but he was ready to move forward. There were a lot of things he didn’t give himself credit for, but he was fairly certain this feeling wasn’t one-sided. Magnus’ eyes unfocused for a moment as they dropped below Alec’s own, and then a wide grin spread across his face.

“One more destination before we head back?” he suggested, and Alec agreed with a matching smile, waves of excitement crashing in his stomach as Magnus insisted on paying for him in his rush to leave. They pedaled on their bikes through the chilly night, steering over the pavement side by side and stealing glances every chance they got, and Alec was sure he had never felt freer in his life. He knew exactly where they were going, as they frequented the place on a fairly regular basis, but it still sent a thrill through his stomach when they pulled up to the small cave. Mr. Fell was actually the one who had told them of its existence, and they had been making the trip there ever since.

It wasn’t the most comfortable or practical place, but it provided them with the privacy they craved when they got sick of constantly being surrounded by people who weren’t wired the same as them. So many of the other boys who went to their school didn’t understand, were blind to their lack of vigor for anything that their parents didn’t approve of. Alec could only imagine how dull it was, to live day in and day out with only stern familial obligations as one’s driving force to keep going. He had been in that place once, and now that he was shown the light he could never imagine returning. Just the thought was depressing, and one that he avoided experiencing if he could help it.

They leaned their bikes against the side of the cave when they arrived and then stepped inside, careful not to trip over any loose rocks or sticks. It was dark, but a hole in the ceiling allowed a sliver of moonlight to dip into the space. Magnus sat down in his normal spot, a little indent in the wall that almost looked like a throne, and as usual, Alec couldn’t help but stare. He looked so beautiful like this, so regal and powerful in a way that Alec had only seen in video footage of kings and queens. He wondered if Magnus knew just how elegant he was, how easily he would fit among royalty; he already ruled over Alec’s heart, after all.

Alec sat beside him and whispered, “I didn’t bring a flashlight.” He didn’t know why he felt the need to be so quiet in there, but it felt almost sacred, like the space demanded respect and his voice would disturb it. The feeling always wore off after a few moments, though, especially when he was in Magnus’ presence.

Magnus grinned at him, his teeth somehow shining in the near pitch black, and then light suddenly flooded under his chin, casting strange shadows across his features. Alec let out a laugh and ducked away when Magnus tried to shine the light under his own face, but then Magnus’ fingers were on his jaw, tilting his head up, and he could barely breathe, let alone resist the touch that never failed to send shivers down his spine. Magnus’ fingertips traveled across Alec’s face, circling between his cheek bone and his jaw, before slowly moving to the nape of his neck.

Alec’s heart was racing a mile a minute, and normally he would be embarrassed by the shallowness of his breath, but then their eyes met, and they were so close, and desire completely took over any rational thought that he had. Not that he minded. Magnus didn’t pull him forward with his grip, his eyes searching, nearly pleading, and Alec was seconds away from losing his mind.

“ _Magnus_.” His voice came out in a hitch of breath, barely audible as his gaze dropped to Magnus’ mouth, and that seemed to be the last straw.

Magnus leaned forward and closed the distance between them, his soft lips pressing to Alec’s own with a sense of urgency that Alec had no intention of resisting. His eyes slipped shut, his lips parting and his mind spiraling out of control, but Magnus pulled back before he could get completely used to it, just enough so that he could speak.

“So, living for yourself, hm?” Magnus breathed, grazing Alec’s nose with his own, and Alec let out a weak laugh, keeping his eyes closed.

“Yeah,” he answered, allowing a grin to spread across his face. “This is just one of the many benefits.”

Magnus hummed in agreement and leaned forward again to kiss the smile off of Alec’s face, his hands moving to splay across Alec’s jaw as he tilted his own head and pressed closer. Alec’s movements were just a little bit uncoordinated, his relative inexperience causing his own hands to flutter uselessly in his lap for a moment, but he was a fast learner. Soon his fingers were sliding through Magnus’ hair, skimming across where it was cropped close to his skull until he reached the longer strands on top. Eventually he let them move of their own accord, fully focused on Magnus’ tongue sliding across the seam of his lips.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Alec registered the quiet groan that escaped his throat, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, because he was kissing _Magnus Bane_. The boy he had been infatuated with for so long he could barely remember a time when he wasn’t, the first person he had ever considered allowing to slip through the cracks in the walls that he had built around himself. He had kissed other boys before, but it had never been anything close to this. Those had been brief moments, decided one second and finished the next, then never spoken of again. They were products of curiosity and confusion, acts of testing the water.

This wasn’t just lust or a simple attraction that him and Magnus were temporarily exploring. It was the knowledge that they were different from others, and even different from each other, yet so similar in their wishes. It was the fact that there had been a pull in their chests from the start that they couldn’t ignore. It was the way they touched each other so tenderly, like they were afraid the other would break under the breath-stealing tension that had been building between them for months.

Time lost all meaning, everything else unimportant in contrast to the way they moved, and Alec had to hold back a whine when Magnus eventually pulled all the way back. He didn’t want to open his eyes, because that would mean the moment was over, but he refused to deprive himself of the sight of Magnus Bane looking somewhat disheveled. It happened on rare occasions, and it was always wonderful, but knowing without a doubt that he was the one who caused it this time was the greatest incentive he could think of to take all of it in.

He was immediately greeted by bright brown eyes when he opened his own, and a slow smile spread across his face. Magnus’ eyes always seemed to shine, no matter how low the light was, and it was one of Alec’s favorite things about him. They stared for a few moments like they were just seeing each other for the first time, and just when Alec thought he was going to go insane if he didn’t get his hands on him again, Magnus reached forward and tangled their fingers together and leaned back, staring up through the hole in the top of the cave.

Alec did the same, his eyes skimming across the cluster of stars that were visible. He never felt the need to fill the silence that surrounded him, especially not with Magnus. He felt comfortable with him in a way that he had only ever been with his siblings before, and he knew that he could trust him just as implicitly.

“I don’t think you’ve ever told me what your favorite poem is,” Magnus stated curiously after a while, making Alec jump slightly at the sudden words. He had been lost in thought, a high unlike any he had ever experienced before rushing through his body with every second that he felt Magnus’ skin brush against his own.

Alec raised an eyebrow, giving him a teasing smile and looking up as he replied, “Is this your way of asking?” Magnus narrowed his eyes at him, and Alec laughed, looking down at where their fingers were intertwined. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to that.

“ _Do not go gentle into that good night_ ,” he quoted softly, keeping his gaze on their hands. “ _Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light_.”

“I don’t recognize that one.” Magnus’ voice was full of wonder, and Alec looked up, taking in the spark of inspiration that always appeared in Magnus’ eyes when he read or heard something he liked.

“That’s not the whole thing, of course,” Alec answered, reaching up absentmindedly to brush a stray hair off of Magnus’ forehead.

“Do you have it memorized?” Magnus asked. Alec nodded, documenting the slight strain that surfaced in Magnus’ voice. “Would you tell me the rest of it?”

Alec swallowed nervously, once again breaking eye contact. He was so used to Magnus reading things aloud. He didn’t usually do so himself. His parents had ingrained the rule to keep quiet and follow their wishes so deep into his head that it still tripped him up sometimes. He wasn’t supposed to show off or brag about his strengths. He was expected to keep his head down and do his work until it all paid off and he ended up in a position of power, but he didn’t feel the need to be superior when he was with Magnus. He wanted to be on the same level as him, eye to eye and heart to heart.

“Hey,” Magnus spoke softly, using his free hand to brush his fingers across Alec’s cheek. “You have a lovely voice, and a beautiful spark of passion inside of you. Never be afraid to let that show, especially not in front of me.”

A light blush spread across Alec’s cheeks, his throat a little bit tight as Magnus’ words sunk in. No one had ever treated him like this before- like he was worth hearing. He’d never been the center of attention in his life- not that he really wanted to be- but that kind of neglect took its toll on a kid. His parents- his father especially- were always comparing him to others, insisting he needed to go above and beyond in order to be valid. The idea that he wasn’t enough was tattooed under his skin, a mark that only he could see, and Magnus was the first person who had ever succeeded in getting him to ignore it.

Alec cleared his throat and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he started the poem again. The words rolled over his tongue, grief and anger and stubbornness evident in every syllable, and by the time he was through the entire thing he was breathless. He had closed his eyes at some point during the reading, and he opened them to see Magnus gazing at him with unabashed adoration. He felt exposed in that moment, like he had involuntarily opened a door that had been bolted shut for as long as he could remember. It was equal parts terrifying and liberating, just like everything with Magnus always was.

“Beautiful,” Magnus repeated, and Alec was sure his heart had never pounded so hard in his life. He had no idea whether Magnus was referring to the poem or himself, but he supposed it didn’t really matter. The poem _was_ a part of him, printed on his skin in invisible ink.

Alec felt brave in that moment, like he could conquer the world as long as Magnus was by his side. He put it to better use, though, and leaned forward, kissing Magnus again and revelling in the hitch of breath that sounded in the other boy’s throat. It was soft but sure, any slight hesitation between them long gone. Alec almost felt drunk, like Magnus’ lips were the most intoxicating substance known to man. He was sure that scientists would have a hard time arguing with him if they studied his brain in that moment.

Alec was the first to pull back this time, unable to contain the grin that was spreading across his face. He couldn’t remember a time where he had ever been this happy, and even as all of the reasons for why they shouldn’t take this any further stacked up in his head, his will to make it work only increased. He was tired of following every rule at the expense of his well-being. It was getting late, though, and despite the fact that he would rather stay there and kiss Magnus all night, they had class in the morning that couldn’t be missed.

“We should probably get back,” Alec murmured, his smile widening as Magnus ignored him for a moment and pressed another brief kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Magnus sighed, leaning his forehead against Alec’s for a moment before pulling back and standing. He pulled Alec up as well, utilizing the fact that their hands were still clutched together, and picked up the flashlight that he had dropped at some point earlier. Alec hadn’t even noticed.

They walked toward the entrance of the cave, feet once again crunching over sticks and gravel, but Magnus stopped right before they stepped outside. His expression was full of rare uncertainty, something that Alec had never seen him wear, and he froze. He didn’t think he’d survive if Magnus suddenly had a change of heart, and he was sure their friendship wouldn’t either.

“I need you to promise me something,” Magnus said, his voice almost pleading. He met Alec’s eyes, and Alec found himself nodding without even really deciding to do so.

“Anything,” he answered automatically, and he felt no need to take it back. He _would_ do anything for Magnus.

“I need you to give me your word that you won’t push me away when things get hard. I need to know you won’t run just because others don’t approve.” His eyes were liquid, and complete sincerity radiated from his gaze. Alec practically melted under the intensity.

“You have my word,” Alec replied, reaching forward with his free hand to brush his knuckles across Magnus’ cheek. A chill ran down his spine as he realized that he finally got to have this- he didn’t have to hold himself back anymore- but he had never felt warmer.

They rode back to school slowly, the long day finally catching up with them, and by the time they snuck back into their room Alec could barely keep his eyes open. They both settled into their beds, staring across at one another sleepily, and as Alec drifted off to sleep, the image of two boys traveling the world danced around in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on tumblr at [magnusbicon](https://magnusbicon.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat about anything!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets a phone call from his parents, and Magnus and Alec a very important conversation over lunch.

Alec found that he didn’t mind Art History too much. He had been a little bit unenthusiastic about it when he was first put into the class, but it was actually quite interesting to see how much had changed over time. They had started off with the Italian Renaissance and moved forward from there, Mrs. Fray ensuring they knew a wide range of well-known paintings from each time period.

One series in particular had caught his eye earlier in the class, and despite the fact that they had moved topics, his mind kept going back to it. William Hogarth’s _Marriage a-la-Mode_ was created as a sort of satire, meant to make fun of the aristocracy and their obsession with money, but it was the moral message that really stuck out to Alec. A man and a woman, forced into a marriage that neither of them were particularly interested in for the sake of both of their families’ reputations, repeatedly acting out against their commitment until it ended up being the death of them both. To the artist it was a joke, a dramatic idea, but to Alec it hit a bit too close to home.

His parents had called him just that morning, breezing by how his classes were going right into the topic of a gathering that they were holding back home and that they expected him to attend over winter break. Normally he would have thought nothing of it, and he probably wouldn’t have even noticed that they saw it as an opportunity were it not for the extreme lack of subtlety they used when mentioning the daughter of one of their associates, who would apparently be attending as well. They had insisted over and over that her and Alec meet, and a heavy weight had settled in his stomach that he couldn’t ignore.

His parents had no idea that he was gay, but he knew exactly how they’d react. They’d disapprove, of course, just like they disapproved of every other independent thought or feeling he’d happened to voice since he was old enough to develop them, but that wasn’t the issue. He needed their financial support more than any other kind that they had never really offered to begin with. What it really came down to was the fact that if they cut him off, he wouldn’t be able to stay in this particular school.

He wouldn’t be able to stay with Magnus.

Of course that wasn’t the only reason he was feeling so downcast about it. Magnus tended to take over most of Alec’s thoughts as of late, but there were multiple other factors that came into play, the most pressing one being that Mr. Fell had started giving him writing tips, teaching him the ins and outs that he hadn’t managed to teach himself. This was the only place where he felt as though he could do what he wanted without judgment. He was fairly certain that he would go insane if he had to give up writing. The rush of emotions that always rose to his throat when he got to a particularly intense part in a story, the frantic movement of his fingers across the keyboard as he tried to keep up with his racing thoughts, they were a part of him. His stories were more of a home than his parents’ house had ever been, and he was nowhere near ready to give that up. He knew that the second he tried to fight back, to tell his parents that they didn’t have a say anymore, that his world would come crashing down around him without a second of hesitation, and he didn’t know if he could do that.

He didn’t have much time to dwell on it, though, as a note landed on his desk. It was folded into a tiny paper airplane, and Alec let out a quiet snort as he unfolded it, resisting the urge to meet the gaze that he could feel on him. His eyes swept over the looping handwriting that he had become so fond of, and a smile spread across his lips despite his bad mood.

_Lunch down by the lake?_

The note was simple, but the suggestion held so much opportunity. It had been weeks since that night in the cave, and he hadn’t managed to sneak out with Magnus again since. It wasn’t like they didn’t spend plenty of time together, seeing as they were roommates, but everyone in their hall had a tendency to keep the door open most nights, so that if anyone had questions about homework they could wander in and out until they found someone who could assist them.

He was only somewhat close with a few others in his class, but he didn’t mind taking and giving help when it was needed, no matter who it was. Except maybe Sebastian. There was something very disconcerting about that boy, though Alec hadn’t yet been able to figure out what exactly that something was.

The bell rang a moment later, signaling for them to move off to their next class, and Alec gathered his belongings with a sigh. He was going to have to get someone else’s notes, considering he had spent more than half of the class in his own mind.

“What’cha got there, Lightwood?” Simon inquired as they walked out of the room, elbowing him gently in the side as he tried to peer around his shoulder and read the note that Alec was still holding between his hands. He folded it immediately, not giving his friend a chance to see it, but it didn’t make much of a difference.

Even as he muttered out a quick, “Nothing,” a knowing grin tilted up the corner of Simon’s mouth.

“The same nothing that’s had you smiling like an idiot for the past month?” he teased, falling into step beside Alec as they headed toward their next destination.

“It hasn’t been a month,” Alec shot back, realizing his mistake too late. He sighed as Simon’s face lit up even brighter with excitement, and pulled him aside so that they would be out of everyone else’s earshot.

“So you admit that there’s a nothing!” Simon exclaimed, pointing at him victoriously.

Alec rolled his eyes at the statement, too tired to point out the fact that it didn’t actually make any sense, and leaned against the wall. He fiddled with the note with one hand and pushed his glasses back up his nose with the other, trying to come up with a way to say what he wanted to say. He knew that Simon wouldn’t judge him, seeing as he seemed to have eyes for another boy in their class as well, but he realized that he hadn’t actually told anyone yet.

He opened his mouth, hoping that a proper explanation would come out, but then Magnus walked by, his fingers just barely brushing against Alec’s own, and all coherent thought flew out the window. Magnus winked at him over his shoulder as he kept walking, and Alec felt his face heat up just a little bit at the sight. Simon studied his expression for a moment, his eyes narrowed, and then that grin was back on his face.

“I _knew_ it,” he whispered, and Alec couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh and reciprocate the fist bump that Simon offered. “Good for you, dude.”

It was a strange feeling, opening up to his friend in this way, but he welcomed it. He supposed that once the floodgates were open there was no stopping that part of himself from rushing out, and he didn’t really want to. Magnus had helped him come to terms with who he was, and now he was continuing that progress outside of their relationship. As he thought about it, though, he realized that they had never really put a label on what they were, and just like that he felt panicked, his pulse picking up speed.

“We haven’t really made it official or anything,” he blurted out, rubbing his fingers together nervously. He didn’t want to make it seem like he was ashamed, because he wasn’t whatsoever, but he also didn’t want Simon blabbing to their entire class about it. Not yet, at least.

“Hey,” Simon said, holding his hands up in surrender. “It’s not my news to tell.”

Alec let out a breath of relief, relaxing against the wall again, but Simon waved his hand to urge him forward before the bell rang and they were late to class. They walked side by side in silence, immersing themselves in the crowd of students heading in the same direction, and Simon stopped him for a moment before they went inside.

“I’m happy for you, Lightwood. Really,” he said quietly, patting him on the shoulder.

Alec couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face for the rest of the class period, and the thoughts of his parents and his future were shoved to the back of his mind.

 

✐✏︎✎✐✏︎✎✐✏︎✎✐✏︎✎

 

“How can you not like grapes?” Alec demanded, popping another into his mouth and holding back a smile as Magnus raised an amused eyebrow at him.

“Because they’re bitter and squishy and just generally inedible,” Magnus reasoned, plucking another one out of the bag and giving it a look of disgust as he rolled it between his fingers.

Alec scrunched up his nose at him and shook his head, leaning back on his hands to look out at the lake. The air was chilly, but the sky was clear and the sun was warm enough to keep him from shivering. They were settled on a blanket in the grass, away from most of their classmates who were lingering around, studying or otherwise occupying themselves.

“You looked worried earlier, before I passed you the note,” Magnus commented after a while, his voice soft.

That was yet another thing about Magnus that made warmth spread in Alec’s chest. He always asked, but he never pried. He wanted what was best for the people that he cared about- for everyone, really- but he never forced them to talk.

Alec sat up straight, pressing his lips into a line as he contemplated whether or not he should voice his fears to Magnus. He didn’t even know if they were in a relationship, after all. Magnus knew all about his parents and how they had always treated him, but everything was different now. The pressure that they put on Alec as far as relationships were concerned affected Magnus as well, even if they hadn’t labeled what they were yet. Alec was eventually going to have to act, to go with or against his parents wishes, and he had promised not to push Magnus away. He couldn’t help but wonder, though, if Magnus wanted to carry that weight once all was said and done. Alec would have no one except for him, and maybe his siblings if his parents even allowed him to see them. That was a lot of responsibility to take on.

“We haven’t talked about what we’re doing yet,” Alec said, forcing his eyes up from where they wanted to stay glued to his lap. Magnus tilted his head, his posture straightening as well as he took in the direction that the conversation was going.

“We’re having lunch,” he stated, as if the answer was simple. On any other day Alec would’ve laughed it off, but now that his parents had entered his mind again his anxieties were back in full force.

“Magnus,” he sighed, shaking his head and tearing his gaze away again. He looked back out at the lake, watching the way the water lapped gently at the shore, and tried to calm his heart down. He wasn’t used to feeling so helpless. He had never allowed his emotions to be at the mercy of someone else before. “I’ve never done this before, so I’m going to need you to help me out a little bit. Are we...boyfriends? Are we just dating? I can work under pressure when I need to, but I like it a lot better when I have all the facts.”

Magnus was silent for a moment, and Alec was sure he was going to choke on his own heart, which had risen to his throat at some point after he finished speaking, but then cold fingers slid across his own. He looked down at where they were connected, studying the contrast between Magnus’ painted nails and his plain ones, then lifted his eyes up to meet Magnus’ own again.

“There is nothing I want more than to be your boyfriend, Alexander.” His eyes were soft, shining in the sunlight, and Alec was glad he had exceptional self control, because the urge to kiss Magnus was as strong as ever.

“Good,” Alec breathed out instead, turning his hand and curling his fingers around Magnus’ own. “Good. Me too."

“Is this because of what you and Simon were talking about before?” Magnus asked, his eyes shifting across Alec’s face.

“Kind of, but not really,” Alec sighed, looking down at their hands once more. He knew that he had to tell Magnus what was going on, because nothing good ever came of keeping secrets. Magnus squeezed his fingers gently, letting him know he was there but not pushing him, and he leaned toward him slightly as he continued. “My parents called me this morning.”

To anyone else the statement would probably seem harmless, but Magnus knew how heavy Alec felt after every interaction with his parents. An insistent father and a silent mother did not make for a great home life, which Magnus understood all too well.

“What did they say?” Magnus asked, a worried frown pulling down the corners of his mouth.

“They kept going on and on about me meeting the daughter of one of their business partners. God, Magnus, I felt like throwing up the entire time. I have no idea what I’m gonna do. If I tell them the truth they’ll disown me, but if I don’t then they’re going to force me into something I’ll never want.”

Alec’s stomach felt sick just thinking about it again, and he looked back out at the lake, shaking his head. He didn’t see any clear way to have everything he wanted, any path that he could take where everyone got out unscathed, and he hated himself, because a small part of him was terrified of disappointing his parents. It was a foolish feeling, seeing as they had never truly approved of anything he did to begin with, but that had only increased his drive to make them proud. It was as though every cell that made him up was meant to defy their every wish, but his brain had decided to convince him to aim to please them anyway.

“Alexander,” Magnus said, letting go of his hand to touch his shoulder. “They can’t force you into anything. They can expect the world from you all they want, but you aren’t obligated to hand it over to them without question. You have to live for yourself, remember?”

A tiny smile curved Alec’s lips up as he remembered what he said at the diner before their first kiss. He had meant what he said, then. He did want to start living for himself. The problem was that he didn’t have any idea how to.

“It’s a lot easier said than done,” he replied, finally turning to meet his boyfriend’s gaze again. Magnus smiled sadly back at him, his head tilted slightly as he observed for a second. He was always doing that, studying Alec’s every reaction. He knew exactly where to look and how to read him. It was somewhat terrifying, but Alec welcomed it anyway. He had always dreamed of someone knowing him inside and out.

“Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to do it alone,” Magnus finally answered.

Alec really wanted to kiss him, and he was contemplating saying _screw it_ and giving into the temptation, but then a soccer ball hit him in the side of the head, quickly ruining the moment. He cursed, rubbing at his temple and turning to see Sebastian jogging towards them with an amused grin on his face.

“Sorry about that,” he said, stopping a couple feet away to pick up the ball from where it had rolled away after hitting Alec. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

There was something about the way he said it, like he was privy to a secret that even Alec didn’t know, that sent a chill running down Alec’s spine. Neither him nor Magnus had a chance to reply before Sebastian was running off again, kicking the ball back toward his friends. Alec hadn’t even been aware that Sebastian _had_ friends. The boy had always struck him as the type who kept to himself.

“Something about him really creeps me out,” Alec muttered, squinting across the field at Sebastian.

“You and me both, darling. But we only have ten minutes of lunchtime left and I certainly don’t want to spend it staring at him.” Alec turned to him, an eyebrow raised in amusement, and completely forgot about everyone else’s existence as Magnus held a grape up to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on tumblr at magnusbicon any time!


End file.
